Dear American business owner,
As you might have heard on the news, our organization reads a lot of data going over the Internet. You might have gotten under the impression that this includes everything from the data you send when playing games online, the Blu Ray porn movie you are downloading right now, the picture of your lunch you posted on Twitter and the mail you send to your mother.
Well, we would like to set something straight: we at the NSA only listen in on foreign traffic.
(Disclaimer: for liability purposes foreign Internet traffic includes traffic from every territory outside the gates of the NSA complex.)
Keeping track of everyone and his dog online is expensive. Think of the hardware we need to pull this feat off. That does cost a lot of tax dollars. And while the American economy is getting better, financial-wise this government is still has an enormous debt to pay. Ever considered the collection agencies the Chinese have gotten involved? These are not nice people.
So we, together with the Obama administration, have been thinking and we came up with a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone. It’s called “Foreign Bid Notification” or FORBIDN. FORBIDN is a service that you subscribe to, which gives you tailored notifications of deals going on abroad in your line of business. Every time there is a foreign competitor about to close a deal, you get the information you need to make a more competitive deal a couple of days ahead. Information like: prices, people to contact, and any other “metadata”. Think of what this will do for your company.
For example: suppose your company sells enterprise solutions for accountants. Thanks to our Big Data solutions, you will get notifications every time your competitors in France and Singapore are about to close a deal with that big accountants office for amounts larger than $100.000. And your competitors are none the wiser. Would you like to get into that? We thought so.
For a fee of 1% per business deal or a minimum of $1000 a month you can get in on the greatest governmental service ever. It’s this way we can radically reduce government spending. Heck, we might even break even. And Americans would have to pay less taxes, Obama keeps his debtors of his back and our economy will flourish like never before.
So call now: 202-FOR-BIDN to start receiving your Foreign Bid Notifications today.
Oh, one more thing. Let’s keep this a secret between us, okay?